I Am

You say I am being evasive

I am quite not wanting to be seen

You say I am abrasive

When I open my mouth I'm always mean

You say I am Inquisitive
As curious as the black cat

You say I am invasive
With all my questions and concerns

You say I am impossible
With all my wants and desires

You say I am unstoppable
When I have a goal in front of me

You say I am insatiable
When it comes to you

You say
You say
But of course you will never stay 

Little Monster

You were the lightning bolt that brought me to life
You held me and kissed me
Didn't know what these feelings were

You guided me through life
Holding me with every step
Told me these feelings were love

I was so unsure of this love
But I knew I was alive when I was with you
There you were to claim my life

I committed to you
I provided for you
I cared for you

With every lie, I died
Every excuse, I cut
With every lie, unhinged
Every excuse, I drunk

It always felt like something new
Every time I could brake things too
It was the only way to not hurt you

I could only hurt myself
I would drink and cut
You would always hold me down
You would always choke me out

This was the only way you knew how to stop me
This was the end result when I would try to leave

Of course I hit back
Of course I bite you
Of course I would grab the closes thing and stab you

I couldn't be left alone
I couldn't walk away
No matter how I felt
No matter what I would say

You say I am changing
What about you?
This is not who I fell in love with
But I still loved and would die for you

Your words and tears
You got me to submit every time
Every fight, punch, kick, and choking
You got me to stay every time
Of course I fight back
Of course I hurt you too

Am I no longer the helpless doll?
Am I no longer broken enough?
To strong for my own good?

You say I am paranoid
You say I am untrusting
You did this to me
I am what you created

With every good moment
With every bad one
I am the creature you created
The creature you hate
The creature you blame

You know what you did
You know what I hated
You're the reason I am jaded

You wanted to destroy this
Well you succeeded
Applying the shock, that stopped my heart
Killing the creature you created

Sticks and Stones

Your tongue is a sharp blade
You cut me with everything you say

You're mad at me
For what?

Having degrees and a job?
Providing for you?

You cut me with all your lies
You cut me with the truth
You've decided today to vent

Why?
Because you're mad

So you leave
Leave me with bleeding flesh

So you can be free?
So you can have no responsibilities?

As my flesh turns pink
I know I am done
I am healing

You compulsive liar walk away
Be mad, be unsatisfied

You compulsive liar keep walk away
Have no care for your responsibilities

Let my tongue be a sharp blade
Let me cut you with everything I say

Your right I have my degrees and job
Do you?

Your right I provide for you and our family
Can you?

You wanna be mad?
Fine lets see how you do

You wanna go fuck whoever you choose
Lets see what you catch, will you regret that too?

We will not be here on the side lines
We will not be here waiting for you

We will not be second best
When what you left for leaves you next

Let these words cut your flesh
Let these words fuck with your head

Real Boy

Fuck the excuses

Fuck the years of abuses

I know your gonna blame me instead

How many times did I have to say?

Please don’t grab me that way

It always started when I pushed you away

Every time I felt I might die

No matter how hard I tried to fight back

I was always quick to come back

Those tears in your eyes

They got me every time

The sweet words you would say

Every time you begged me to stay

I know it’s my fault

You knew how angry I could get

I knew inside my words would hurt

With every one of your lies

I kept dying inside

Of course I tried to walk away

Of course you grabbed me, so I push you away

The tighter your grip

The more I flailed and hit

You said I can’t leave

You said you love me

You said I can’t leave

You said we are a family

If only I didn’t try to leave

If only I didn’t say a word

If only I couldn’t feel

If only I couldn’t be heard

You knew I loved you

Your every word and every tear

They got me to stay every time

Now you’re done, Now you’re bored

You walked away, I hold on tight

You blame me for your words and your action

Blame me for my love and my reaction

So much for our love

Of course it’s easy for you to leave

So much for our family

How can you walk away so easily?

I am free right?

But I am bound by my love for you

My heart so dedicated to you

My womb bound by the promises of another child

My finger bound by the ring you gave

My future bound the future you painted

Now maybe I can be a different happy?

Hoping now things and you will be different

Nope now it’s not physical, now you have upgraded

Now it’s emotional

Psychological warfare is your play

Will there be a day?

Will I ever get away?

Your Grip

Fuck the excuses

Fuck the years of abuses

I know your gonna blame me instead

How many times did I have to say?

Please don’t grab me that way

It always started when I pushed you away

Every time I felt I might die

No matter how hard I tried to fight back

I was always quick to come back

Those tears in your eyes

They got me every time

The sweet words you would say

Every time you begged me to stay

I know it’s my fault

You knew how angry I could get

I knew inside my words would hurt

With every one of your lies

I kept dying inside

Of course I tried to walk away

Of course you grabbed me, so I push you away

The tighter your grip

The more I flailed and hit

You said I can’t leave

You said you love me

You said I can’t leave

You said we are a family

If only I didn’t try to leave

If only I didn’t say a word

If only I couldn’t feel

If only I couldn’t be heard

You knew I loved you

Your every word and every tear

They got me to stay every time

Now you’re done, Now you’re bored

You walked away, I hold on tight

You blame me for your words and your action

Blame me for my love and my reaction

So much for our love

Of course it’s easy for you to leave

So much for our family

How can you walk away so easily?

I am free right?

But I am bound by my love for you

My heart so dedicated to you

My womb bound by the promises of another child

My finger bound by the ring you gave

My future bound the future you painted

Now maybe I can be a different happy?

Hoping now things and you will be different

Nope now it’s not physical, now you have upgraded

Now it’s emotional

Psychological warfare is your play

Will there be a day?

Will I ever get away?

Stupidly Foolish

These streams running down my face

Is it sadness or is it hate?

I am stupidly and foolishly in love with you

I am stupidly and naively can’t hate you

These streams run down my ribs

Is this regret or is it healing?

I stupidly and foolishly believed you

I stupidly and naively can’t forget you

These streams merge

What is stronger?

What is thicker?

The pools get bigger

The pools get wider

I was so stupid for believing you
I was so foolish for trusting you
My naive heart believed every word you ever said

What is stronger?
Your will to break me or my will to survive?

The streams ruining down my face
The stream running down my ribs
I need these fluids inside in order to survive

You may have broken me
But I am not crushed

No more streams
No more pools
They will be dried by the drought

No more love
No more affection
I am no longer stupidly foolish when it comes to you

Everyone

Everyone else's tears and sadness get welcomed with the warmth of your embrace
Everyone else's hard days and times get meet with the wisdom of your words

For me no hugs or wisdom
Only blank stares from a distance
No warm embrace, no loving words

Everyone else gets your warmth, love, kindness, and wisdom

What about me?
What about us?

No more us in your mind
No more us in your heart

I guess that's fine
I guess it was time

All my tears and sadness, but no one warm to hold
Hard days and times, but no one to confide in

For everyone else warm embraces and words of wisdom
For everyone else kindness and love
No blank stares from a distance for everyone else

What about me?
What about us?

No more us in your mind
No more us in your heart

Just like the arctic we have melted apart
No more us, No more you

Run Away

Memories around every corner
Memories down the halls

Memories I want to run away from
Memories I don't want to think about at all

Memories confined by these four walls
Memories confined in my brain

Memories I thought were once so happy
Memories now tainted by your mistakes

Memories I don't want to think about
Memories I wish would go away

Memories trapped with every frame
Memories now hanging with shame

Memories I want to get away from
Memories that bring so much pain

Memories once so joyous
Memories now I wish were the same

I don't want to think about it
I don't want to understand
I don't want to think about you
I don't want to be in my head

I just want to run away
Run away
Run away

These once so happy memories
These once joyous times
The once vibrant future
The once happy life

I just want to run away
Run away
Run away

From these four walls
From these memories
From our past
From your lies

Please let me run away
Run away
Run away

Why

You defiled my love
You webbed it with sweet lies

When you looked at me, were you thinking of them?
Was I nothing more than a faceless doll.

You defiled my love
You penetrated it with hate

I once gazed upon your gave with love
Now my gaze has turned into disgust

You defiled my love
You raped it with your lies

I would go the the ends of the world for you.
Now I want nothing to do with you

You defiled my love
You embeded failure for our love

Every time you loved me, were you loving me?
Did you see me or were you wishing I was them?

Why would you defile my love and trust? 

Morphine

You were my drug of choice
A decade addiction

I'm addicted to your every drop
So sweet and hard to fight
So good to beat the lows

You ease the pain
You make me sleepy
You make the pain tolerable
You make me so drowsy

Going cold turkey is just so painful
The pain you, once eased
Going cold turkey makes me restless
The sleepiness that you once inflicted is missed

Oh I miss the sweet high
The rush every time

Now I must leave you behind
Now I must be sober

Being sober is so hard
You're the main reason I'm still here

Being sober I feel so low
The low you once raised me from

You're the reason I must get clean
Being sober my aspirations are so high

You were my drug of choice
A decade addiction

I must ease the pain
I must sleepy on my own
I must tolerate the pain
I must tire myself

Going cold turkey is just so painful
The pain you, once eased
Going cold turkey makes me restless
The sleepiness that you once inflicted is missed

Now I need to live without you
I will go on without you
Goodbye my sweet addiction

Air

With you I am filed with life
The life you give is all around me
If not for you, I would die

Without you my body aches
My body struggles to survive

Why am I so dependent on you?
I am not, but my body is
Oh, how I take you for granted

Not once do I notice you
Until your existence inconveniences me
Oh, how you bring me displeasure

Not for one second do I think of your existence
Not till my body is aching
Lungs are burning
Do I ever think of you

Why do I not think of you?
For, without you I would die



- June 23, 2014